Getting into the Gray

Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." This is a quote I think of often, especially when I find myself wishing for (or complaining about!) a situation or change I think is necessary. I try to do my best to advocate for causes I'm passionate about, and I learned a long time ago that the changes I hope to see in the world aren't the only ones I need to work for. The changes I wish to see in myself are also my responsibility.

I think it's easy to make the mistake of waiting on external events to make internal changes. We wait for New Year's Day to start our resolutions. We think a baby will make our marriage better, or we decide we'll be able to get sober once we get a new job. We think weight loss or plastic surgery will make a partner stay faithful, or we tell ourselves we'll stop shopping so much once we stop feeling so lonely. These are examples of black and white thinking, and for many people they lead to a lot of disappointment.

If you want something to be different in your life, very little that happens outside of you is going to be the magic bullet that creates change. You have to make it happen for yourself, to get into the gray area of thinking about your actions, the consequences, and how to live the kind of life you want to have. For example, what will having a baby do for an unhappy marriage? Besides making for a lot of sleepless nights, not a whole lot. Some internal problems at the heart of a lot of these dilemmas are things like dissatisfaction, low self-esteem, depression, and unresolved grief and loss.

When you find yourself looking to an external change or solution to ameliorate internal concerns, ask yourself, "How will ____ make ____ better? What will be so different that I will finally be able to ____?" See what you come up with. Search for the core issue, the thing inside of you at the heart of the matter. Be mindful of your appetites and desires and how to honor what you wish for.

I'm going to conclude with a poem from Audre Lorde, one of my favorite poets, that I think speaks to this point.

Stations
by Audre Lorde

Some women love to wait for life
for a ring in the June light
for a touch of the sun to heal them
for another woman's voice
to make them whole
to untie their hands
put words in their mouths
form to the passages
sound to their screams
for some other sleeper to remember
their future
their past.

Some women wait for their right train
in the wrong station
in the alleys of morning
for the noon to holler
the night come down.

Some women wait for love
to rise up
the child of their promise
to gather from earth
what they do not plant
to claim pain for labor
to become
the tip of an arrow
to aim at the heart of now
but it never stays.

Some women wait for visions
that do not return
where they were not welcomed
naked
for invitations to places
they always wanted to visit
to be repeated.

Some women wait for themselves
around the next corner
and call the empty spot peace
but the opposite of living
is only not living
and the stars do not care.

Some women wait for something to change
and nothing does change
so they change
themselves.