Skipping Christmas

About ten years ago John Grisham wrote a wonderful book called "Skipping Christmas." The reason I loved it so much is that it pointed out how commercialized the holiday has become, creating more emotional and financial stress for Americans as well as others around the world.
When you stop and think about it, buying, addressing and sending Christmas cards; buying gifts for neighbors, teachers, co-workers, friends, family, and extras in case you forgot someone; baking holiday sweets and breads; going to parties at work, with friends, in the neighborhood, and family gatherings; traveling; hosting; decorating, and the list goes on. Makes me exhausted just listing it!

If you celebrate Christmas and find yourself more stressed during this time than other times in the year, take a step back and see what's actually important.

• If you are struggling financially, perhaps you can skip the cards and buy gifts for only those you want to, skip the ones you feel like you "have to".If you can't afford gifts, you can always give the gift of time. Your friends and family most likely care more about seeing you than what you give them.
  
• If decorating is not your cup of tea, its okay not to put up the blow-up Santa and glowing candy canes this year. Spend your time doing something you enjoy with your family and friends, plus you save on your electric bill.
  
• If you are struggling with your weight, don't be afraid to donate the sweets and baked goods that are given to you, but be sure to keep at least a few for yourself.
• If you tend to be overwhelmed by large groups of people, be sure to make time for yourself. Also, remember you don't have to accept every invitation you receive. Even those who love to around people feel exhausted and overwhelmed when they do too much celebrating.
  
• I am not saying cut it all out and don't do anything, but to try to decrease the stuff you feel you "have" to do, that brings you more stress. For example, I(Millie) LOVE to bake, but I don't enjoy addressing and sending cards, so I bake and skip the cards.
  

Although some folks may give you a hard time when they notice you are cutting back (read the book, they have some great examples of this!), remind yourself of the peace of mind you are maintaining knowing that you are focusing what is important to you this time of year.

On a side note, when Jesus was born, there weren't holiday parties, Christmas cards, Santa or reindeer (although I love the idea of Santa), there weren't tv cameras and Mary wasn't on MTV's "16 and Pregnant". There was less chaos in general in the world. I imagine it to be a quiet time that brought peace, hope and joy to those who were present and/or heard the good news.

If you celebrate Christmas, I encourage you to focus on finding that peace in whatever way makes sense to you, and try to avoid the extra stress induced activities that don't bring you joy.

Tis the season of giving and anxiety

Tis' the season of giving!

This is a time of year when there is a lot of opportunities for gift giving and receiving. Unfortunately these same heartfelt moments can also be accompanied by worries of giving the "right" gift, getting enough gifts for the people you know and love; as well as the worry of not giving a gift or an "equal"gift to someone who gave you something. Given the economy, people are in different financial situations, and may be experiencing these concerns more this year than 5-10 years ago.

Gift giving is supposed to warm the heart, both yours and the person you are giving to. Adding anxiety about the type of gift takes away the enjoyment one feels when thinking of others. If you find yourself in this category, remember that the person will feel good for just being thought of by you, no matter how big or small, expensive or thrifty the gift is.

What if I receive a gift from someone that is more than the one I bought for them, or what if I didn't get him/her anything but a christmas card?

If you find yourself asking this question, you might be "keeping score". Let me ask you this:

Do you keep track of the gifts you receive and compare it to a list of people you gave gifts to?

Do you give with the expectation to receive?

My guess is that you most likely are giving from your heart. You saw something that reminded you of the person and you gave it to them for a special occasion or just cause.

The person giving you the gift cares about you, and probably is not giving you something with the expectation of receiving something of equal value in return.

My advice, graciously accept the gift and thank the giver.

This holiday season, try to focus being thankful for the gifts you have received, be gracious to the giver, and try to stop the worrying.

Mindful

I (Courtney) have recently been spending a lot of time outside. Fall is my favorite season, and I love to observe the trees changing colors, the leaves falling to the ground, and the first snowfall here in Denver. I find it easier to stop and be mindful when I'm outside in nature.

When I'm at home or work, it is easy to become unmindful because of an omnipresent to do list, the challenges of being a working mom, and just the general distractions of chores and the like that easily grab my attention. Ironically, the situations where it is so easy for me to become unmindful are the ones where I could most use my mindfulness skills!

Recently I was reading the great book Eat, Drink and Be Mindful by Dr. Susan Albers, where she talks about the two-fold benefit of being mindful:
1. When we are mindful, we tend to pause and respond in situations instead of reacting from an unmindful place.
2. When we are consistently mindful, our bodies stay more relaxed, and thus we approach life from a state of relaxation instead of a state of stress.

One of my favorite books about mindfulness is The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh. It reminds me that people have been struggling to achieve a consistent state of mindfulness for thousands of years, and also that the benefits of mindfulness have been recognized for an extremely long period of time. It reminds me that as challenging as it is to be mindful in day to day life, it is worth it, and it gets easier with practice.

Today I encourage you to take a minute to pause and be mindful, be it while you are having dinner, playing with your dog, working through your to do list, or taking a walk outside. Take a minute to be present in your life where you are instead of focusing on where you are going next. See how you change because of these moments.

Self-Care Through the Holidays

With Thanksgiving only three days away, you may be wondering how you are going to find time to cook the stuffing, carve the turkey, pack the suitcase, prepare for Black Friday, etc. etc. etc. with all you have going on already in your day to day life. While joyful, the holidays can pack on extra stress related to extended finances, increased time commitments, and strained family relationships.

So how can you approach Turkey Day with your feet on the ground and a (real) smile on your face? Here are some strategies for self-care through the holidays:

1. Prioritize: Related to finances, time, and relationships. Decide the things that are most important for you to spend money on. For example, do you really love spending your cash on stamps and paper holiday cards, or would you be fine with an email or phone greeting and rather spend that money on a gift for a treasured friend? Also, what time commitments are most important to you? Is it your company's holiday party, or a family member's intimate dinner and white elephant gift exchange? Focus your attention this holiday season on what matters most to you, not all the things you think you "should" do.

2. Take time for yourself: Even in the hustle and bustle of the holidays, remember to put yourself first. Approach your days with energy and balance by taking the time you need for rest and relaxation. "Gift yourself," so to speak, with the things you enjoy most.

3. Remember humor and a sense of perspective: Your sense of humor and your connection to others beyond your own experience can offer useful perspective during the holidays. I (Courtney) used to laugh that my birthday, which is around the holidays in December, was cursed because I injured myself several years in a row a few days before my birthday. One year I fainted (I was sick and trying to put my game face on at a holiday event) and bopped my head on a concrete sidewalk and had to spend the night in the hospital. Another year I slipped on the ice and broke my shoulder. Now it is a running joke for me around this time of year to wait for another injury. It's not actually a funny situation, but it reminds me to not be so worried and controlling of all that is beyond my control (like that patch of ice I just didn't see). All I can do is my best, and then remember beyond that that other people are both struggling and having joys too.

The holidays are a time for community, laughter, and focusing in on what matters most to you. Using your values as a guide to holiday decision-making will keep you on the right track.

Giving Back

The holiday season is upon us, and what a great time to remember to give back to others in our community. Often it is easy to be focused on the stress of travel, shopping, cooking, parties, work projects, etc. during this of year. Especially given the state of the economy, this year's holidays might carry even more stress in trying to shop and entertain on a budget.

When we feel stressed, it is easy to narrow our focus to encompass only our own lives. We may feel an enormous weight on our shoulders and have a sense of hopelessness about change. By giving back, we can connect to others, which enables us to regain a sense of perspective and move out of black and white thinking, and also feel a sense of pride in values-oriented decision-making.

Here are some ways to get involved right now, right here in our community:

Nine Cares Colorado Shares Winter Clothing, Toy and Food Drive (THIS weekend!):

http://www.9news.com/life/community/events/fooddrives/winter/

37th Annual Turkey Trot benefitting the Mile High United Way (Thanksgiving Day, 2010):

http://www.runningguru.com/EventInformation.asp?eID=MHUWTT

First Annual "Colorado Gives" Day - give where you live! benefitting local non-profits like the Kempe Foundation for the Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect (December 8, 2010):

http://stage.causeroom.com/kempe/index.php?s=10374&item=880

Is being GLBT a disease?

A few weeks ago, Colorado Candidate, Ken Buck, appeared on a television program and compared homosexuality to alcoholism. Some have interpreted his comment to mean that he was saying Homosexuality is a disease, which has raised some concern. For the past I have been thinking about his comment and the reaction to it.
Recent studies have shown that sexuality is based on more on genetics than choice, thus there is a biological component. I'm wondering if Ken Buck was trying to say that homosexuality is biological, like Alcoholism, which is also considered to be genetic. However, even if that was the case, the comparision is still concerning since Alcoholism is a disease and is a problem, where any type of sexuality (i.e. heterosexual, gay, lesbian) is not a disease and its not a problem.

Colorado Psychologist, Dr. Sarah Burgamy responded to Ken Buck's comments last week at the One Colorado press conference. Click this link if you would like to hear what she had to say:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0H3APrbNMk

Managing with shorter day blues

The first day of fall was a few weeks ago, and now the days are getting noticeably shorter. Fewer daylight hours often means that people will start to experience more depressive symptoms: tired, irritable, lack motivation to do things, feeling down and out or "blue".
If you are noticing these symptoms, here are some little things you can do to help manage through the winter:
1. When the sun is out, make sure you are in it. The more sunlight that your skin is exposed to, the more Vitamin D your body will absorb. Of course, please wear sunscreen to avoid cancer, but get some sun. What if its freezing out? That's okay, you can stand/sit by a window.
2. Make social engagements with friends at least once every week or two. People tend to hibernate during the winter months, leading to feelings of isolation and loneliness, so get out, go to dinner, grab coffee, see a movie, go to the museum!
3. Eat healthy. Winter months usually bring holiday treats. Although they are tasty, be sure you are still getting your fruits and veggies, in addition to proteins and carbs. A weary body can lead to a dreary mind set.
4. Exercise Regularly: Did you know that studies that exercising regularly has the same impact as taking an antidepressant? A brisk 30 minute walk, take the stairs at work, go to the gym. Do something active a few times a week, and you'll find you feel better over all.

Self Harm and Eating Disoders

A scary statistic: 40.8 percent of people with eating disorders have admitted to self harm, such as cutting and burning. (http://med.stanford.edu/ism/2010/october/peebles.html). Unfortunately this same study found the physicians often miss self harming behaviors, tending to ask “patients” who fit the profile (older white female, struggling with bulimia) and not posing these same questions to teenagers and others who did fit the profile. Just like eating disorder behaviors, people rarely offer the information unless specifically asked about self harm.

Those who harm themselves are usually embarrasses, ashamed and feel guilt about it. Thus, they learn how to hide it, and tend not to volunteer the information. Add an eating disorder into the mix, and they become very secretive not only about the self harm, but also the eating disorder behaviors. This “secrecy” is not meant to be manipulative or deceitful, instead, it serves the purpose of helping the person continue to survive and cope.
Yes, I am saying that self harm and eating disordered behavior are coping skills;
Yes, I am saying that they are NOT healthy coping skills, but for those who struggle with these issues, these coping behaviors are the only tools they know that works.

There are a lot of misconceptions about people who self harm. The most common one is that the behavior is used to get attention. Interestingly enough, there are other reasons people self harm. One, is when the body is injured, the brain releases endorphins and adrenalin to help heal the body and cope with the pain. It serves as an immediate release to a probably long term problem. Second, sometime people feel so numb and depressed, self harm reminds them that they can still feel something.

Do these people ever get better? Yes, people do recover from self harm and from eating disorders. It may be a long process, with a series of slips along the way, but with the help of a trusted therapist, a eating disorder/self harm save physician, dieticians, and of course family and friends, people can and do recover from these issues.

How to help your child/teen cope with Death

Death in general is somewhat a taboo subject and we rarely talk about it with our children. Today I (Millie) would like to offer some suggestions on how to handle the topic of death with your children. 
First of all, no matter the age, it’s important to share what’s age appropriate. Sometimes the more details make it more confusing for the younger child, but the same details can be comforting or helpful for the teen.


Toddlers to age 7 or 8: The idea of God, heaven or any sort of after life is unconceivable for children in this age group. As adults, we understand that death is final (in this world at least depending on your beliefs) permanent. However, children of this age cannot understand abstract ideas such as an afterlife. In fact there was one child who wanted to “visit” grandma, so he tried to kill himself, not realizing he wouldn’t be able to come home to his parents after seeing grandma. Luckily he was saved and is okay.

So what do you say when the child asks questions about death:
1. Be concrete: Daddy died, he loved you very much but we won’t be seeing him again. Please don’t tell the child that Daddy fell asleep and never woke up, this will make nap and bed time a challenge for both you and the child

2. Name emotions for the child: It’s really sad to not be able to see Daddy anymore. It’s not fair and its okay to be angry that he is not here. I miss Daddy too. What do you miss most? By helping them identify the emotions and letting them know its okay will help them process it better.


3. Create a Memory Book: Gather some photos, have your child draw pictures, and help your child create a story about the loved one. I’ve had some older children create many different chapters, for the younger ones, it may be more basic. This book then can be used to help comfort the child when they miss the loved one. This could just be a separate coping skill as well, draw what you liked to do with grandma, for example.


4. Read Children’s Books dealling with Death:
For the Grieving Child: An Activities Manual by Suzan Jaffe, S. Jaffe, and Jayme LaFleur
I Miss You: A First Look At Death by Pat Thomas and Leslie Harker
A Butterfly for Brittany: A Children’s Book About the Death of Another Child, from a Child’s Point of View by Cristine Thomas
What the Dormouse Said: Lessons for Grown-ups from Children’s Books by Amy Gash, Pierre Le-Tan, and Judith Viorst

If you follow a particular faith, you can use that, but be sure to be more concrete: Daddy went to live with Jesus. You know how we talk to Jesus when we pray? We can talk to Daddy the same way. Leave this to your best judgement because some children will have trouble understanding this concept.

Transitional object: If the child has lost a pet, a stuffed animal resembling the pet can help them adjust to the pet being gone. Let them name the object (9 times out 10 they will name it after the lost pet). If the child lost a family member or friend, a doll or something that reminds them of that person can be a comforting object for them as well.


Older Children and Teens: Around 10 years of age, children begin to understand more about death and the abstract ideas that you and your family may have about the after life. This is a nice time to discuss more about faith and your beliefs. Since your older child or teen is starting to find their identity, be sure to give them some space on how to grieve. Not everyone grieves the same way, so although its important to help them cope in healthy ways (w/o drinking and drugs and sex), give them some flexibility if their coping style is different than yours.

1. Have conversations as they arise: Sometimes parents don’t bring up the loved one because its too painful for them and/or they want to protect their child/teen. By ignoring it, you might be sending the wrong message. Instead, by talking about missing the loved one, or sharing a memory or continuing a tradition the loved one enjoyed, teaches the child/teen its okay to remember and be sad about the loved one being gone. A benefit of doing this (although hard to imagine shortly after a death) is that these moments eventually turn from difficult to comforting, but it takes time.
Help your teen label the emotions and talk about how to cope

2. Teens might enjoy creating a memory book, blog page, or a website paying tribute to the loved one. It’s similar to the memory book noted above.


3. Schedule and Structure: Especially if the loved one lived in the home or was part of the family’s daily lives, its important to keep a predictable schedule similar to what life was like before the death. Children of any age find it comforting when they know what to expect, and need that reassurance especially after a death.

4. Take care of yourself: as adults, and especially parents, we tend to forget about ourselves because we are so concerned about how the children are doing. If you don’t take time for yourself to grieve and to get support, you won’t be very much use to your kids. Plus, you are modeling to your kids how to handle death as well.

If there are “minor” deaths that occur (ie: a turtle dies or a pet), its best not to ignore it and “replace” the pet before the child notices. Instead, these “smaller” deaths are times for the child to learn and “practice” coping with death.

If you have any questions on how to help your children cope, or you yourself need help coping, please feel free to email us at Courtney @greenleafcc.com and millie@greenleafcc.com

Greenleaf in the News!

A couple of exciting new things are happening at Greenleaf, and we wanted to let you know about these resources.

Colorado Post Adoption Resource Center (COPARC) – Adoptive families often find themselves needing extra support after their child comes home. Even though the process of adoption requires many education classes and much preparation, sometimes families can be surprised by unanticipated needs in their new family. Issues can arise with bonding and attachment, behavioral issues from traumatized children, prenatal drug and alcohol exposure, and many other challenging concerns.

For Colorado’s adoptive families, the Adoption Exchange has established the Colorado Post Adoption Resource Center (COPARC) as a way to support adoptive families in their needs after the adoption is complete or during the fostering process. Lists of adoption competent therapists, support groups, education opportunities, articles, and funding assistance are included in the database. Greenleaf (Courtney Morton, LCSW) is among the list of adoption competent therapists. Check it out at http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=adoption_post_coparc_main.

Denver as a hub of cutting-edge eating disorders treatment - The Denver Business Journal recently published an article about the Eating Recovery Center's (http://www.eatingrecoverycenter.com/) expansions and how Denver is becoming a hot spot nationwide for eating disorders treatment. Greenleaf is quoted on the role of outpatient therapy in the continuum of care. Take a look at the story (subscription required) at http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2010/09/27/story7.html.

Thoughts on Teens & Social Media

Social media is a primary means for teens to connect in this day in time. Texting, Facebook, MySpace, and many (many!) other social networking modalities have begun to replace daily face to face interactions. Teens can transmit and receive thoughts and suggestions in an instant with the push of a button.

Unfortunately, our teenage years are the ones when our mood is most volatile due to raging hormones, and that thought we can receive or transmit in an instant can be the one that causes a rapid mood swing for better or for worse. We can say exactly what we're thinking in a public forum, and people react accordingly.

For teens, a benefit of social media can be that it takes the pressure off of a face to face interaction. There's no need to interpret body language or non-verbal signals, and teens can combat anxiety about how they look as their body changes by hiding behind a screen. Teens can also take a minute to pause before responding to an email or Facebook post, whereas a face to face interaction would demand an almost immediate response.

The problem is that most people, teens included, tend to have a rapid relationship with technology where they respond right away to texts, emails or posts instead of sitting with it to determine an appropriate response. Social networking sites can also contribute to a kind of "group think" where we are easily susceptible to following the opinions of others without taking our own values into consideration. Developmentally, our teenage years are about relying more on the influence of our peers than much of anything else. So what does this mean when a teen starts bullying another teen online? In a lot of situations, it means that their friends follow suit.

This generation of teens has more access to technology than any one before it, and I (Courtney) don't think we know the implications of that yet. However, with studies that indicate that teens are more likely to be depressed the more time they spend online and ones that show how common online predators are toward teens and children, it is important not to lose site of the value of technology-free times every single day, where we can connect with each other face to face, authentically.

Teen Challenges: Back to School

There are three schools along the route of my usual morning jog, and a few mornings a week now, I notice the mouth-watering smell of sausage permeating the air about 7AM. This can only mean one thing: school breakfast. My mother (Courtney) has been a teacher for almost thirty years, and so I am quite familiar with the smells of school breakfasts from many years of going early with her in the mornings (Super Donuts, anyone?). The new morning scent in my neighborhood is for me a sign that summer is over and the kids are back in the classroom.

Coming back to school after 12 weeks of freedom can be quite a challenge for many teens. They have gotten used to sleeping late, lots of time with friends, maybe a summer job, spending time alone if parents are working, and possibly even traveling. Not only can the work be a challenge, but peer relationships can blow up, negative behavior can escalate, and parents may wonder how to help support their teens in getting back on track if they derail right at the beginning.

Teens today face different challenges than any group of youth before them. Bullying happens not only in the hallways but also over Facebook, MySpace, and texting. Teens report escalating stress levels as it gets harder and harder to get into college, and teens also report stress as a result of the stress their parents feel over money, employment, and the current state of the economy. Schoolwork and standardized testing are getting more difficult and more common. In addition, puberty hits every teen at a different time, and sensing that they are early or late developers as they compare themselves to others can cause anguish and alienation. Not to mention drugs, alcohol, depression, self-harm, and many other types of negative behaviors.

Wow, I don’t miss being a teen.

All of these stresses and challenges can show up as slipping grades and behavior problems at school. Here are four ways parents can support their teen if they become aware of difficulties their teen is having at school:

1. Spend time with them. Make a conscious effort to make dates with your teen to do activities they enjoy, and be present while you’re with them. Teens don't want to be with their parents all the time, but most really enjoy having consistent activities together.

2. Get involved in your teen's school. Ask who their teachers are and what their favorite classes are this year. Be on a committee or in a booster club. Offer to help them find tutoring if they need it. Show your teen that you are there to support them academically and socially in the school environment.

3. Help your teen find extracurricular activities they enjoy. Encourage consistent connection with peers and healthy relationships.

4. Take care of yourself. If you are stressed or upset, your teen knows it. Try not to take out your negative emotions on your teen, but instead show them examples of both healthy relationships, positive activities, and healthy coping skills.

Parenting Class: How Every Parent Could Benefit

As a parent, it is easy to bristle at the well-meaning advice of others. One of the most rewarding and challenging life tasks, parenting can be a source of both pride and defensiveness in the face of judgment by another. This reality can be especially true when it comes to parenting a teen.

At Greenleaf, we see many teens and their families, and parents often come to us at a loss of how to handle their teen's sometimes challenging behavior. Parents struggle to understand the developmental needs and challenges of their teens and also their changing role as a parent during their child's teen years (e.g. from the authority to more of an advising, consultant role). As a parent, probably the most difficult thing in the world is to watch your child struggling and in pain, and for teens, this state is a regular occurrence as they search for identity, become increasingly peer-oriented, and make more and more decisions (and mistakes) for themselves.

Greenleaf is excited to be offering a six week class beginning September 19 for parents of teens in conjunction with the Kirk of Bonnie Brae Church (http://www.kirkofbonniebrae.org/KBBhomepage.htm). The class will offer information about teen development, specific parenting strategies for parents of teens (e.g. how to connect, keeping the peace in your home, etc.), birth order and sibling influence, temperament, and when to be concerned and what to do if you become concerned about your teen.

Even if your relationship with your teen is great (congratulations, by the way!), taking a parenting class can increase your understanding of your child and help you anticipate potential challenges down the road. Seeking the help of a parenting class doesn't mean you're a bad parent or that you've failed; instead, looking for help and guidance signifies your commitment to your child and a desire to keep your skills and knowledge sharp.

Teens are an enigma in general, and teens today face different challenges than any generation before them with technology and a changing world. How will you help equip your teen for adulthood? What are your dreams for your teen and how can you support them in achieving their own dreams? Is maintaining open communication and connection with your teen even possible?

We hope you will join us for the class to discuss these and many other topics. Please contact us about registration.

Is Fat a feeling?

Often times we hear "I feel fat today." I (Millie) tend to find this comment interesting since the word "fat" is actually an adjective, rather than a human emotion. It would be similar to saying "I feel purple today" or "I feel smooth today". So what are people trying to express when they make the statement, "I feel fat"? Often when people are feeling stressed, out of control with their lives, depressed, insecure, to name just a few feelings, some people start to focus on themselves and their appearance. So instead of saying, "I'm feeling stressed out", they focus on their phyisical beings. Why? Sometimes its easier to focus on something concrete rather than something abstract and out of your control.

Do you find that you are making similar comments?
Here are some suggestions to help you "break the habit":
1. Take out the judgment. Focus on how your body actually feels. For example, "my jeans feel a little tighter", or "I feel physically uncomfortable". This approach takes the judgment out of "feel fat" and connects you to what your body is actually experiencing.
2. Check yourself. In other words, what are emotionally feeling right now? Since "fat" isn't an emotion, maybe its insecurity, worry, stress, or sadness. Try to focus more on labeling your emotions, rather than judging your body.

How to handle Your Teens Undeveloped Brain

Did you know that although your teen looks physically older, he or she actually won’t complete brain development until their early or mid twenties? This is true. The frontal lobes are the last parts of the brain to be finalized in their development. This area is responsible for judgment, decision making and planning among other things, which explains why teens have a difficult time realizing consequences of their actions, and understanding how their decisions may impact their life in 5-10-20 years. So how do you help your teen get through these years without making a “huge” mistake?

Here are some suggestions:
1. Be open, interested and understanding in their point of view and their experience.
2. Don’t be critical or judgmental.
3. Ask questions to help them think through things.
4. Allow them to make mistakes. This is the only way they will learn. And then talk with them
about other ways they could have handled the situation.

Cell Phone Overload

Today, cell phones serve more than one purpose. They are game consoles, walkmans (aka iPods), mini-computers, internet and email servers, cameras, photo and video libraries, calendars, and the list goes on. All of these services theoretically are supposed to make life easier, however, they can result in loss of social skills, increased irritation (to you and the people you are with), increased isolation and depression. NBC reported on a study in china that found teens who spent more than 10 hours on the internet were 1.5 times more likely to be depressed. Although more needs to be studied in regards to this issue, it still raises some concern about technology.

Here are some ideas on how to become less “controlled” by technology, and more in-tuned with your life:
Cell Free Zones: create a space in your house or a time in your day (or both) that is free of cell phone calls, texts, emails, alerts. Use this time to read a book, go for a walk, enjoy a conversation with a person sitting right across from you.
Take a “mini-vacation” from your cellular device. In Colorado, the mountains help you take care of that because reception is inconsistent. Many people report that they are more rested and less stressed after a weekend or a long vacation if they did not have access to their cell phone, Blackberries, or iPhones.
No Interruptions: Have you ever been talking with a friend over coffee, when your friend suddenly picks up the phone and starts texting or starts talking on the phone, while giving you the “hold on a minute, this person is more important than you” sign? Have you been guilty of this? Unless it is an emergency, and lets be honest, it rarely is, its rude to answer calls and text other people while you are spending time with someone else, even if its family. This behavior also keeps you from being able to fully enjoy the time with the other person. So next time you are out with someone, atleast put it on silent or vibrate, so you can give your full attention, and make the other person feel like you actually want to spend time with him/her.

The Newly Engaged Couple

Valentine’s Day, Christmas and New Years are the most popular times to get engaged. If you got engaged over these holidays, you are likely embarking on the great task of wedding planning. Thus, a very one-of-a-kind challenge begins for your relationship. He wants this, and you want something different. How do you talk about it? How and when do you compromise? How do you handle your future in-laws and your parents and their opinions?

Planning a wedding can be great practice for marriage because you both are forced to communicate your thoughts and opinions, and you will also have to compromise. Even if you are the most in-love people in the world, you will not always agree.

Communication:

Suggestion #1: Use “I” statements. Your partner will feel less defensive if you are talking about your experience and thoughts and not putting things on him/her.

For example:

“I understand that you want your high school band to play at our wedding, but I would really like to have Tony DJ because he has a lot of experience and we know he plays good dance songs.”

Instead of saying “Your high school band is awful and they would ruin everything. What a stupid idea.”

Another example: “When you keep making all the decisions without talking to me first, I feel left out and not important.” Instead of “You are making all the decisions! You are so selfish. What about my opinion?”

(Notice the pattern in the first example: Validation + expression of your wishes and why. The pattern in the second example: Identify a behavior + express how you feel.)

Suggestion #2: When you first see your fiancée, ask him/her how their day was. Give them time to unwind before launching into all the planning details you did that day and questions and to-do lists you have for then. This also applies to when you are married and you have stressful things to talk about, such as finances and parenting. Wait an hour or so after you both are home for work, and then ask, “Is this a good time to talk about finances or do you want to wait until after dinner?” This gives your partner the chance to say, “You know, today was really stressful. Can we talk about it this Saturday when we both have less going on?”

Suggestion #3: No name-calling. You saw some examples of that in the first suggestion: “You’re selfish, that’s stupid, you blankety blank blank.” Just don’t do it. Even if you are kidding or apologize later, it’s a tough aspect of arguments for couples to forgive.

Problem Solving:

He wants to have the wedding outside, with BBQ and a keg, while you were picturing something more elegant with a champagne fountain and a harp player. What do you do? Once again, this is just the first of many decisions in your life together that you will be navigating.

First: Set a time to sit down and talk about what you would like; remember “I” statements. (I would like ------ because ------.) Then the other partner reflects what you said (You would like----- because -----). This does not mean that your partner agrees, it just means he/she heard and understood you. Then it’s his turn to tell you what he would like.

So you have expressed and understood what each other wants.... and you still don’t agree. Now what?

Come up with some ideas of compromise:

(Have the keg and BBQ at the rehearsal dinner; instead of a harp you have a harpest on your iPod; have an elegant ceremony with a more casual reception.... you get the idea)

Then talk about them and decide which ones are possibilities.

Ultimately, one person will likely get more of what he/she wants, so make note that the next big decision you disagree on, maybe the other person gets more what he/she wants.

Compromise: great idea in theory, but a challenge to navigate, so tread lightly and remember that you love this person and you are trying to work it out.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Please email us

Millie@greenleafcc.com or Courtney@greenleafcc.com

Also, check out our Couples Class to brush up on your skills and keep that spark going.

www.greenleafcc.com/groups

Finding “The One”

As a therapist working with adults at various stages of life, I often find myself in discussions about relationships and marriage. A topic that frequently arises in this vein is the idea of “the one” – as in, the person you are “supposed” to spend the rest of your life with. How do you find the one, how do you know it’s the one, what if you think it is but how can you be sure, I thought I had married the one but now we’re getting divorced… The discussion can take many turns. (I am also shamelessly addicted to “The Bachelor,” so in all honesty, it’s not just in a work setting that my mind drifts to this idea.)

So, the ONE… We live in a society where about half of all first marriages end in divorce, and the possibility of divorce increases with each subsequent marriage. Thus, it seems like we struggle a bit when it comes to the ‘til death do us part scenario. So, how do you know when you find the one? Is it love at first sight and fireworks and lightening and passion? Or is it a slow and steady awakening, where you get to know someone and realize they are your person? Maybe somewhere in between?

Often people find themselves months or years into a relationship that they thought was the one, only to see it sour and come to an end. They grieve not only the loss of the relationship, but also the loss of confidence in their ability to trust their intuition, the ability to recognize a good relationship when they see one. They want tangible ideas about how to know if they can consider being with someone forever.

Here are some tangibles that are central to any relationship:

Friendship: Friendship is the foundation of any marriage. You want to be able to laugh with someone and have a good time through the ups and downs.

Values: Are your values compatible? Can you find common ground and respect each other where they differ?

Attraction: Passion, building and sustaining intimacy. The spark.

Compatibility: Basically, can you live with this person forever? Do you want to?

Ultimately, though, I think finding “the ONE” comes down to the factors mentioned above, and then a decision. If all the cards fall into the right place and pretty much stay that way (every relationship has ups and downs), then you come to place in yourself where you make a commitment to be with someone. You decide, it’s worth it. I love this person so much that I want to weather the ups and downs of building a life together. Not just that you can.

Because basically, life doesn’t get easier, it gets more complicated. Having a mortgage or a kid won’t make a marriage work. The foundation has to be solid for those steps to be a good idea. The beginning of your relationship, the part where you were just getting to know each other and figuring out who you are as couple, that will be the part that you look back on with fondness during the 2AM feedings. If the beginning is already a rocky road, then it might be time to ask yourself some questions.

My husband said that his dad told him, don’t find someone you can live with, find someone you can’t live without.

Good advice.

February: Focusing on Couples Issues

Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and love it or hate it, the holiday inevitably prompts people to think about love and relationships. So, we've decided to focus our weekly (more or less) blog posts during the month of February on couples issues during different phases of a romantic relationship or marriage. Specifically, we will look at issues like how to do you make your love last over time; navigating transitions in a relationship, like marriage and kids; intimacy; and searching for "the one."

To get us thinking about love, we wanted to start out with a short exercise on how you show love and experience love in order to become more mindful of our own "love language."

Showing Love
When do you feel most cared about and loved?
1 When your partner hangs up his/her towel after a shower.
2 When your partner makes time for you.
3 When your partner surprises you with a gift.
4 When s/he gives you physical affection.
5 When s/he verbally expresses his/her feelings for you.

You may have answered yes to each one, but which one makes you feel the most cared about? Knowing how you recieve love is important for both you and your partner to know. Likewise, it's important to know how your partner recieves love as well.

There is a wonderful book called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) that explains 5 different ways people express and recieve love. There is even a little quiz on their website much like the one above to take to discover which is best for you. Finding your language of love will help intensify your relationship and help you both feel closer to each other. They also have a book about love languages for kids that is fascinating.

Be mindful of how you give and experience love. Increased awareness of this central aspect of your relationship will help you feel love on a deeper level.

A Time to Reflect

It's the end of January. Your bills have no doubt arrived from holiday gifts and travel. Your resolutions might have gone by the wayside at this point. The weather is dreary and there may not seem to be much on the horizon to look forward too.

But the fact is, we are still at the beginning of a new year, a new decade in fact. And not only is a new year beginning, but an old year is ending as well, this one the end of a decade that offered many changes, challenges, and triumphs. There are the changes that happened to us as a nation to consider, and then there are the personal challenges we each have faced at some point or another during the past year and/or decade. Some of us may be feeling fairly encouraged and ready to continue taking on the new year, while others of us may feel warn and weary, worried about what the rest of this year could add to the already stressful challenges. And then there are those of us who are in the middle.

No matter where you are on the spectrum, I encourage you to take some time to reflect on the past year.
Where were you a year ago?
What have you overcome?
What challenges did you face?
How have you grown?
What have you accomplished that you didn’t think possible?

Some of these questions may be easier to answer than others. I encourage you to take some time over the next few days to just pause and reflect.

Once you have reflected, take time to consider the future.
What do you hope for this year?
What do you fear?
How do you want to grow in the next 11 months?
How will you achieve those goals?

These are great items to talk about with family and friends, to journal or blog about, to express through art or poetry or music. Whichever way you express yourself, I encourage you to embrace this opportunity to reflect and give yourself credit for this past year, as well as to look to what's to come.

Vulnerability

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all were able to ask for (and receive) help when we need it, if we were able to be imperfect around the people we care about? Too often I meet with people in my practice who feel unable to express need or challenge in their lives. I have even been one of these people myself at one time. This type of person feels like they have to pretend that everything is okay in order to be accepted by others and sometimes feels a sense of judgment in friendships, especially when they are struggling.

This process of shoving down feelings and covering up authentic emotions can wreck havoc on mood, fostering depression, anxiety, and a sense of inner turmoil. It can also isolate us from our community if we always feel like we have to be perfect before letting people in.

Last week’s blog was about finding a sense of community, which inherently involves relying on others and letting them see us for who we are. Everyone goes through periods in their life when they struggle or have greater need, or has times when they just need someone to talk to or laugh with. It is vital to have relationships with people we trust, where we feel safe enough to be vulnerable asking for help, or where we feel like we can let down our walls and be ourselves.

I used to spend several hours cleaning my house before I would let anyone come over. I loved having company and relished the time with my friends and family, but it was so much work for me that I barely could make it happen. Now I have realized a.) how little time I have to clean and b.) how much I love the company of my loved ones. Those two realities have necessitated allowing my community into a somewhat dirty house. It makes it easy to be together, and I no longer worry about what they’ll think of me if there’s a little dog hair on the floor.

The bottom line is, I want to create a world where it is okay to be ourselves, and I think that begins with each of us going out on a limb to do it, to be imperfect and let others see (and still love!) us that way. It begins with us telling it like it is and giving ourselves and the ones we love the grace to get it wrong, or to ask for something, knowing that the love and care underneath is enough to see us through.

Finding Community

I got an email the other day from a member of my religious community inviting me to an “extended family” gathering. I had been hearing about these “extended families,” groups of people who have formed in the church to be together around holidays, cook meals when someone is ill or has a new baby, and just be a general source of support to members of the “family.”

These days, families of origin are more spread out than ever before. Many of us live several states away from our immediate and extended family, seeing them only periodically for short visits. Our close friends might be spread out all over the country or world as we move from place to place because of work or other life changes.

Given how spread out we become from our roots, it is vital to be mindful of finding a sense of community in the place where we live. We will always have occasions in life when we need support, caring, and someone to turn to, maybe because of a loss, an injury, a new baby, marriage or divorce. It may seem like we can always do it all on our own, but there will be times when we all need help from people we trust.

If you notice that you are lacking community in your life, or maybe you feel like you depend too much on just a few people, look a little further and see what you find. Sometimes friendships can be found in unlikely places. Take initiative to invite people you enjoy to events or cook someone a meal when they are in need. Your efforts to build connections will likely be repaid.

Most Depressing Day of the Year

Have you heard that January 21 is considered to be the most depressing day of the year?!? Experts explain that by the 21st of January, bills from the holidays are piling up, New Year's resolutions are waning, and people have little to look forward to until summer. What can you do if you are finding yourself with the winter blues?

1. Resolution Make-Over:
Even if your resolution was to go to the gym EVERY day, and you've only been once in the last week, try to keep moving. Take a walk around the block, do crunches or lift weights while watching television. Instead of setting such a high expectation of going to the gym EVERY day, set a more realistic goal, like going 2 times a week. If you happen to go more, then great. Once you feel good about 2x a week, then you can up it to 3-4x a week. Often where people go wrong on resolutions is they set the bar too high and then give up quickly when they don't achieve their goals. Movement also helps relieve depression.

2. Feeling out of control on your finances?
Set a budget. Again, like with resolutions, if you blow it the first week, that's okay. It's rare people can follow a totally new financial regimen without slipping up. Look at what happened and try again, but I must warn you, it may take a few months before you are truly following the new budget you set January 1. Be patient with yourself.

3. Be part of your community:

Continue to make plans with friends. During January and February, we tend to stay inside more because of the cold weather, which leads us to socialize less and feel more lonely. Force yourself to leave your house and meet a friend for happy hour or dinner. If it's just too cold for you, call someone you haven't spoken to in a while or SKIPE with someone. SKIPE is free and allows you to use you computer as a long distance video phone.

4. The basics:

Make sure you are eating healthy, drinking enough water, and sleeping 6-8 hours. When we forget about these basics, we quickly start to slide down the depression hill.