Finding “The One”

As a therapist working with adults at various stages of life, I often find myself in discussions about relationships and marriage. A topic that frequently arises in this vein is the idea of “the one” – as in, the person you are “supposed” to spend the rest of your life with. How do you find the one, how do you know it’s the one, what if you think it is but how can you be sure, I thought I had married the one but now we’re getting divorced… The discussion can take many turns. (I am also shamelessly addicted to “The Bachelor,” so in all honesty, it’s not just in a work setting that my mind drifts to this idea.)

So, the ONE… We live in a society where about half of all first marriages end in divorce, and the possibility of divorce increases with each subsequent marriage. Thus, it seems like we struggle a bit when it comes to the ‘til death do us part scenario. So, how do you know when you find the one? Is it love at first sight and fireworks and lightening and passion? Or is it a slow and steady awakening, where you get to know someone and realize they are your person? Maybe somewhere in between?

Often people find themselves months or years into a relationship that they thought was the one, only to see it sour and come to an end. They grieve not only the loss of the relationship, but also the loss of confidence in their ability to trust their intuition, the ability to recognize a good relationship when they see one. They want tangible ideas about how to know if they can consider being with someone forever.

Here are some tangibles that are central to any relationship:

Friendship: Friendship is the foundation of any marriage. You want to be able to laugh with someone and have a good time through the ups and downs.

Values: Are your values compatible? Can you find common ground and respect each other where they differ?

Attraction: Passion, building and sustaining intimacy. The spark.

Compatibility: Basically, can you live with this person forever? Do you want to?

Ultimately, though, I think finding “the ONE” comes down to the factors mentioned above, and then a decision. If all the cards fall into the right place and pretty much stay that way (every relationship has ups and downs), then you come to place in yourself where you make a commitment to be with someone. You decide, it’s worth it. I love this person so much that I want to weather the ups and downs of building a life together. Not just that you can.

Because basically, life doesn’t get easier, it gets more complicated. Having a mortgage or a kid won’t make a marriage work. The foundation has to be solid for those steps to be a good idea. The beginning of your relationship, the part where you were just getting to know each other and figuring out who you are as couple, that will be the part that you look back on with fondness during the 2AM feedings. If the beginning is already a rocky road, then it might be time to ask yourself some questions.

My husband said that his dad told him, don’t find someone you can live with, find someone you can’t live without.

Good advice.