Living the Life You Want

Last week we posted about New Year's resolutions - how to keep them measurable, specific, and achievable. Hopefully some of you gained useful tips from that posting. Yet here we are, January 19, and over a third of people who make New Year's resolutions won't even keep them through the end of this month. Perhaps that extra piece of fruit every morning has already deteriorated into an extra cup of coffee instead.

It is my (Courtney) custom to periodically evaluate my life and make sure I am living it the way I want to. Instead of waiting for an arbitrary date or holiday, I think if there are changes to be made in my life, I want to make them now rather than wait. I was reminded of the importance of this practice this past week when a friend's partner was diagnosed with a life-threatening disease, totally out of the blue. Their comment was, "You never think it's going to happen to you." All of the sudden, in a single moment, everything seems different when all that we might have taken for granted is threatened. But why? I say, let's go ahead and have the kind of life we want now, today, instead of waiting for tragedy or holidays to make changes.

It is easy to fall into the trap of approaching life from a place of "shoulds" and "ought tos." I want to challenge you to do it differently. Do what makes you happy. Make values-oriented decisions. Be present for your life, and value the people you love and make sure they know it. When you go to bed at night, don't have any regrets about the way you spent your time that day. Measure yourself by who you are instead of what you do.

Who needs resolutions when we choose to embody our lives with our full selves: our values, our dreams, our energies, our love, and our connection to the larger world. I love the Thoreau quote we have hanging in our office: "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler."

Resolutions....

11 days since the new year, how is your resolution coming along?

Studies show that over 20% of those who make a new year's resolution end up giving it up after the first week, and another 40% by the end of the first month. How can you avoid breaking your resolutions? Here are some tips:
1. Keep your resolution realistic. Is going to the gym every day or writing down every dollar you spend realistic for you?
2. Create steps to reach your new years resolution goal. Usually resolutions tend to be big goals, such as lose 20 pounds, cut back on extra expenses, or read the bible in a year. These big goals tend to be overwhelming. By breaking them into steps, perhaps by day, week or month will help you stay on track. For example, go to the gym 2 days a week for the first 2 weeks, then if you happen to go more often, great! If you just go the 2 days, you have already taken a step to your goal.
3. Talk about it. Reach out to those you trust for support and encouragement as you work on your resolution. Tell them what they can do to help you stay on track.
4. Reevaluate your resolution. Is it really helping you improve your quality of life, or is it actually leading you to emotionally beat yourself up when you fail?

Skipping Christmas

About ten years ago John Grisham wrote a wonderful book called "Skipping Christmas." The reason I loved it so much is that it pointed out how commercialized the holiday has become, creating more emotional and financial stress for Americans as well as others around the world.
When you stop and think about it, buying, addressing and sending Christmas cards; buying gifts for neighbors, teachers, co-workers, friends, family, and extras in case you forgot someone; baking holiday sweets and breads; going to parties at work, with friends, in the neighborhood, and family gatherings; traveling; hosting; decorating, and the list goes on. Makes me exhausted just listing it!

If you celebrate Christmas and find yourself more stressed during this time than other times in the year, take a step back and see what's actually important.

• If you are struggling financially, perhaps you can skip the cards and buy gifts for only those you want to, skip the ones you feel like you "have to".If you can't afford gifts, you can always give the gift of time. Your friends and family most likely care more about seeing you than what you give them.
  
• If decorating is not your cup of tea, its okay not to put up the blow-up Santa and glowing candy canes this year. Spend your time doing something you enjoy with your family and friends, plus you save on your electric bill.
  
• If you are struggling with your weight, don't be afraid to donate the sweets and baked goods that are given to you, but be sure to keep at least a few for yourself.
• If you tend to be overwhelmed by large groups of people, be sure to make time for yourself. Also, remember you don't have to accept every invitation you receive. Even those who love to around people feel exhausted and overwhelmed when they do too much celebrating.
  
• I am not saying cut it all out and don't do anything, but to try to decrease the stuff you feel you "have" to do, that brings you more stress. For example, I(Millie) LOVE to bake, but I don't enjoy addressing and sending cards, so I bake and skip the cards.
  

Although some folks may give you a hard time when they notice you are cutting back (read the book, they have some great examples of this!), remind yourself of the peace of mind you are maintaining knowing that you are focusing what is important to you this time of year.

On a side note, when Jesus was born, there weren't holiday parties, Christmas cards, Santa or reindeer (although I love the idea of Santa), there weren't tv cameras and Mary wasn't on MTV's "16 and Pregnant". There was less chaos in general in the world. I imagine it to be a quiet time that brought peace, hope and joy to those who were present and/or heard the good news.

If you celebrate Christmas, I encourage you to focus on finding that peace in whatever way makes sense to you, and try to avoid the extra stress induced activities that don't bring you joy.

Tis the season of giving and anxiety

Tis' the season of giving!

This is a time of year when there is a lot of opportunities for gift giving and receiving. Unfortunately these same heartfelt moments can also be accompanied by worries of giving the "right" gift, getting enough gifts for the people you know and love; as well as the worry of not giving a gift or an "equal"gift to someone who gave you something. Given the economy, people are in different financial situations, and may be experiencing these concerns more this year than 5-10 years ago.

Gift giving is supposed to warm the heart, both yours and the person you are giving to. Adding anxiety about the type of gift takes away the enjoyment one feels when thinking of others. If you find yourself in this category, remember that the person will feel good for just being thought of by you, no matter how big or small, expensive or thrifty the gift is.

What if I receive a gift from someone that is more than the one I bought for them, or what if I didn't get him/her anything but a christmas card?

If you find yourself asking this question, you might be "keeping score". Let me ask you this:

Do you keep track of the gifts you receive and compare it to a list of people you gave gifts to?

Do you give with the expectation to receive?

My guess is that you most likely are giving from your heart. You saw something that reminded you of the person and you gave it to them for a special occasion or just cause.

The person giving you the gift cares about you, and probably is not giving you something with the expectation of receiving something of equal value in return.

My advice, graciously accept the gift and thank the giver.

This holiday season, try to focus being thankful for the gifts you have received, be gracious to the giver, and try to stop the worrying.

Mindful

I (Courtney) have recently been spending a lot of time outside. Fall is my favorite season, and I love to observe the trees changing colors, the leaves falling to the ground, and the first snowfall here in Denver. I find it easier to stop and be mindful when I'm outside in nature.

When I'm at home or work, it is easy to become unmindful because of an omnipresent to do list, the challenges of being a working mom, and just the general distractions of chores and the like that easily grab my attention. Ironically, the situations where it is so easy for me to become unmindful are the ones where I could most use my mindfulness skills!

Recently I was reading the great book Eat, Drink and Be Mindful by Dr. Susan Albers, where she talks about the two-fold benefit of being mindful:
1. When we are mindful, we tend to pause and respond in situations instead of reacting from an unmindful place.
2. When we are consistently mindful, our bodies stay more relaxed, and thus we approach life from a state of relaxation instead of a state of stress.

One of my favorite books about mindfulness is The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh. It reminds me that people have been struggling to achieve a consistent state of mindfulness for thousands of years, and also that the benefits of mindfulness have been recognized for an extremely long period of time. It reminds me that as challenging as it is to be mindful in day to day life, it is worth it, and it gets easier with practice.

Today I encourage you to take a minute to pause and be mindful, be it while you are having dinner, playing with your dog, working through your to do list, or taking a walk outside. Take a minute to be present in your life where you are instead of focusing on where you are going next. See how you change because of these moments.

Self-Care Through the Holidays

With Thanksgiving only three days away, you may be wondering how you are going to find time to cook the stuffing, carve the turkey, pack the suitcase, prepare for Black Friday, etc. etc. etc. with all you have going on already in your day to day life. While joyful, the holidays can pack on extra stress related to extended finances, increased time commitments, and strained family relationships.

So how can you approach Turkey Day with your feet on the ground and a (real) smile on your face? Here are some strategies for self-care through the holidays:

1. Prioritize: Related to finances, time, and relationships. Decide the things that are most important for you to spend money on. For example, do you really love spending your cash on stamps and paper holiday cards, or would you be fine with an email or phone greeting and rather spend that money on a gift for a treasured friend? Also, what time commitments are most important to you? Is it your company's holiday party, or a family member's intimate dinner and white elephant gift exchange? Focus your attention this holiday season on what matters most to you, not all the things you think you "should" do.

2. Take time for yourself: Even in the hustle and bustle of the holidays, remember to put yourself first. Approach your days with energy and balance by taking the time you need for rest and relaxation. "Gift yourself," so to speak, with the things you enjoy most.

3. Remember humor and a sense of perspective: Your sense of humor and your connection to others beyond your own experience can offer useful perspective during the holidays. I (Courtney) used to laugh that my birthday, which is around the holidays in December, was cursed because I injured myself several years in a row a few days before my birthday. One year I fainted (I was sick and trying to put my game face on at a holiday event) and bopped my head on a concrete sidewalk and had to spend the night in the hospital. Another year I slipped on the ice and broke my shoulder. Now it is a running joke for me around this time of year to wait for another injury. It's not actually a funny situation, but it reminds me to not be so worried and controlling of all that is beyond my control (like that patch of ice I just didn't see). All I can do is my best, and then remember beyond that that other people are both struggling and having joys too.

The holidays are a time for community, laughter, and focusing in on what matters most to you. Using your values as a guide to holiday decision-making will keep you on the right track.

Giving Back

The holiday season is upon us, and what a great time to remember to give back to others in our community. Often it is easy to be focused on the stress of travel, shopping, cooking, parties, work projects, etc. during this of year. Especially given the state of the economy, this year's holidays might carry even more stress in trying to shop and entertain on a budget.

When we feel stressed, it is easy to narrow our focus to encompass only our own lives. We may feel an enormous weight on our shoulders and have a sense of hopelessness about change. By giving back, we can connect to others, which enables us to regain a sense of perspective and move out of black and white thinking, and also feel a sense of pride in values-oriented decision-making.

Here are some ways to get involved right now, right here in our community:

Nine Cares Colorado Shares Winter Clothing, Toy and Food Drive (THIS weekend!):

http://www.9news.com/life/community/events/fooddrives/winter/

37th Annual Turkey Trot benefitting the Mile High United Way (Thanksgiving Day, 2010):

http://www.runningguru.com/EventInformation.asp?eID=MHUWTT

First Annual "Colorado Gives" Day - give where you live! benefitting local non-profits like the Kempe Foundation for the Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect (December 8, 2010):

http://stage.causeroom.com/kempe/index.php?s=10374&item=880