The Newly Engaged Couple

Valentine’s Day, Christmas and New Years are the most popular times to get engaged. If you got engaged over these holidays, you are likely embarking on the great task of wedding planning. Thus, a very one-of-a-kind challenge begins for your relationship. He wants this, and you want something different. How do you talk about it? How and when do you compromise? How do you handle your future in-laws and your parents and their opinions?

Planning a wedding can be great practice for marriage because you both are forced to communicate your thoughts and opinions, and you will also have to compromise. Even if you are the most in-love people in the world, you will not always agree.

Communication:

Suggestion #1: Use “I” statements. Your partner will feel less defensive if you are talking about your experience and thoughts and not putting things on him/her.

For example:

“I understand that you want your high school band to play at our wedding, but I would really like to have Tony DJ because he has a lot of experience and we know he plays good dance songs.”

Instead of saying “Your high school band is awful and they would ruin everything. What a stupid idea.”

Another example: “When you keep making all the decisions without talking to me first, I feel left out and not important.” Instead of “You are making all the decisions! You are so selfish. What about my opinion?”

(Notice the pattern in the first example: Validation + expression of your wishes and why. The pattern in the second example: Identify a behavior + express how you feel.)

Suggestion #2: When you first see your fiancée, ask him/her how their day was. Give them time to unwind before launching into all the planning details you did that day and questions and to-do lists you have for then. This also applies to when you are married and you have stressful things to talk about, such as finances and parenting. Wait an hour or so after you both are home for work, and then ask, “Is this a good time to talk about finances or do you want to wait until after dinner?” This gives your partner the chance to say, “You know, today was really stressful. Can we talk about it this Saturday when we both have less going on?”

Suggestion #3: No name-calling. You saw some examples of that in the first suggestion: “You’re selfish, that’s stupid, you blankety blank blank.” Just don’t do it. Even if you are kidding or apologize later, it’s a tough aspect of arguments for couples to forgive.

Problem Solving:

He wants to have the wedding outside, with BBQ and a keg, while you were picturing something more elegant with a champagne fountain and a harp player. What do you do? Once again, this is just the first of many decisions in your life together that you will be navigating.

First: Set a time to sit down and talk about what you would like; remember “I” statements. (I would like ------ because ------.) Then the other partner reflects what you said (You would like----- because -----). This does not mean that your partner agrees, it just means he/she heard and understood you. Then it’s his turn to tell you what he would like.

So you have expressed and understood what each other wants.... and you still don’t agree. Now what?

Come up with some ideas of compromise:

(Have the keg and BBQ at the rehearsal dinner; instead of a harp you have a harpest on your iPod; have an elegant ceremony with a more casual reception.... you get the idea)

Then talk about them and decide which ones are possibilities.

Ultimately, one person will likely get more of what he/she wants, so make note that the next big decision you disagree on, maybe the other person gets more what he/she wants.

Compromise: great idea in theory, but a challenge to navigate, so tread lightly and remember that you love this person and you are trying to work it out.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Please email us

Millie@greenleafcc.com or Courtney@greenleafcc.com

Also, check out our Couples Class to brush up on your skills and keep that spark going.

www.greenleafcc.com/groups

Finding “The One”

As a therapist working with adults at various stages of life, I often find myself in discussions about relationships and marriage. A topic that frequently arises in this vein is the idea of “the one” – as in, the person you are “supposed” to spend the rest of your life with. How do you find the one, how do you know it’s the one, what if you think it is but how can you be sure, I thought I had married the one but now we’re getting divorced… The discussion can take many turns. (I am also shamelessly addicted to “The Bachelor,” so in all honesty, it’s not just in a work setting that my mind drifts to this idea.)

So, the ONE… We live in a society where about half of all first marriages end in divorce, and the possibility of divorce increases with each subsequent marriage. Thus, it seems like we struggle a bit when it comes to the ‘til death do us part scenario. So, how do you know when you find the one? Is it love at first sight and fireworks and lightening and passion? Or is it a slow and steady awakening, where you get to know someone and realize they are your person? Maybe somewhere in between?

Often people find themselves months or years into a relationship that they thought was the one, only to see it sour and come to an end. They grieve not only the loss of the relationship, but also the loss of confidence in their ability to trust their intuition, the ability to recognize a good relationship when they see one. They want tangible ideas about how to know if they can consider being with someone forever.

Here are some tangibles that are central to any relationship:

Friendship: Friendship is the foundation of any marriage. You want to be able to laugh with someone and have a good time through the ups and downs.

Values: Are your values compatible? Can you find common ground and respect each other where they differ?

Attraction: Passion, building and sustaining intimacy. The spark.

Compatibility: Basically, can you live with this person forever? Do you want to?

Ultimately, though, I think finding “the ONE” comes down to the factors mentioned above, and then a decision. If all the cards fall into the right place and pretty much stay that way (every relationship has ups and downs), then you come to place in yourself where you make a commitment to be with someone. You decide, it’s worth it. I love this person so much that I want to weather the ups and downs of building a life together. Not just that you can.

Because basically, life doesn’t get easier, it gets more complicated. Having a mortgage or a kid won’t make a marriage work. The foundation has to be solid for those steps to be a good idea. The beginning of your relationship, the part where you were just getting to know each other and figuring out who you are as couple, that will be the part that you look back on with fondness during the 2AM feedings. If the beginning is already a rocky road, then it might be time to ask yourself some questions.

My husband said that his dad told him, don’t find someone you can live with, find someone you can’t live without.

Good advice.

February: Focusing on Couples Issues

Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and love it or hate it, the holiday inevitably prompts people to think about love and relationships. So, we've decided to focus our weekly (more or less) blog posts during the month of February on couples issues during different phases of a romantic relationship or marriage. Specifically, we will look at issues like how to do you make your love last over time; navigating transitions in a relationship, like marriage and kids; intimacy; and searching for "the one."

To get us thinking about love, we wanted to start out with a short exercise on how you show love and experience love in order to become more mindful of our own "love language."

Showing Love
When do you feel most cared about and loved?
1 When your partner hangs up his/her towel after a shower.
2 When your partner makes time for you.
3 When your partner surprises you with a gift.
4 When s/he gives you physical affection.
5 When s/he verbally expresses his/her feelings for you.

You may have answered yes to each one, but which one makes you feel the most cared about? Knowing how you recieve love is important for both you and your partner to know. Likewise, it's important to know how your partner recieves love as well.

There is a wonderful book called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) that explains 5 different ways people express and recieve love. There is even a little quiz on their website much like the one above to take to discover which is best for you. Finding your language of love will help intensify your relationship and help you both feel closer to each other. They also have a book about love languages for kids that is fascinating.

Be mindful of how you give and experience love. Increased awareness of this central aspect of your relationship will help you feel love on a deeper level.

A Time to Reflect

It's the end of January. Your bills have no doubt arrived from holiday gifts and travel. Your resolutions might have gone by the wayside at this point. The weather is dreary and there may not seem to be much on the horizon to look forward too.

But the fact is, we are still at the beginning of a new year, a new decade in fact. And not only is a new year beginning, but an old year is ending as well, this one the end of a decade that offered many changes, challenges, and triumphs. There are the changes that happened to us as a nation to consider, and then there are the personal challenges we each have faced at some point or another during the past year and/or decade. Some of us may be feeling fairly encouraged and ready to continue taking on the new year, while others of us may feel warn and weary, worried about what the rest of this year could add to the already stressful challenges. And then there are those of us who are in the middle.

No matter where you are on the spectrum, I encourage you to take some time to reflect on the past year.
Where were you a year ago?
What have you overcome?
What challenges did you face?
How have you grown?
What have you accomplished that you didn’t think possible?

Some of these questions may be easier to answer than others. I encourage you to take some time over the next few days to just pause and reflect.

Once you have reflected, take time to consider the future.
What do you hope for this year?
What do you fear?
How do you want to grow in the next 11 months?
How will you achieve those goals?

These are great items to talk about with family and friends, to journal or blog about, to express through art or poetry or music. Whichever way you express yourself, I encourage you to embrace this opportunity to reflect and give yourself credit for this past year, as well as to look to what's to come.

Vulnerability

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all were able to ask for (and receive) help when we need it, if we were able to be imperfect around the people we care about? Too often I meet with people in my practice who feel unable to express need or challenge in their lives. I have even been one of these people myself at one time. This type of person feels like they have to pretend that everything is okay in order to be accepted by others and sometimes feels a sense of judgment in friendships, especially when they are struggling.

This process of shoving down feelings and covering up authentic emotions can wreck havoc on mood, fostering depression, anxiety, and a sense of inner turmoil. It can also isolate us from our community if we always feel like we have to be perfect before letting people in.

Last week’s blog was about finding a sense of community, which inherently involves relying on others and letting them see us for who we are. Everyone goes through periods in their life when they struggle or have greater need, or has times when they just need someone to talk to or laugh with. It is vital to have relationships with people we trust, where we feel safe enough to be vulnerable asking for help, or where we feel like we can let down our walls and be ourselves.

I used to spend several hours cleaning my house before I would let anyone come over. I loved having company and relished the time with my friends and family, but it was so much work for me that I barely could make it happen. Now I have realized a.) how little time I have to clean and b.) how much I love the company of my loved ones. Those two realities have necessitated allowing my community into a somewhat dirty house. It makes it easy to be together, and I no longer worry about what they’ll think of me if there’s a little dog hair on the floor.

The bottom line is, I want to create a world where it is okay to be ourselves, and I think that begins with each of us going out on a limb to do it, to be imperfect and let others see (and still love!) us that way. It begins with us telling it like it is and giving ourselves and the ones we love the grace to get it wrong, or to ask for something, knowing that the love and care underneath is enough to see us through.

Finding Community

I got an email the other day from a member of my religious community inviting me to an “extended family” gathering. I had been hearing about these “extended families,” groups of people who have formed in the church to be together around holidays, cook meals when someone is ill or has a new baby, and just be a general source of support to members of the “family.”

These days, families of origin are more spread out than ever before. Many of us live several states away from our immediate and extended family, seeing them only periodically for short visits. Our close friends might be spread out all over the country or world as we move from place to place because of work or other life changes.

Given how spread out we become from our roots, it is vital to be mindful of finding a sense of community in the place where we live. We will always have occasions in life when we need support, caring, and someone to turn to, maybe because of a loss, an injury, a new baby, marriage or divorce. It may seem like we can always do it all on our own, but there will be times when we all need help from people we trust.

If you notice that you are lacking community in your life, or maybe you feel like you depend too much on just a few people, look a little further and see what you find. Sometimes friendships can be found in unlikely places. Take initiative to invite people you enjoy to events or cook someone a meal when they are in need. Your efforts to build connections will likely be repaid.

Most Depressing Day of the Year

Have you heard that January 21 is considered to be the most depressing day of the year?!? Experts explain that by the 21st of January, bills from the holidays are piling up, New Year's resolutions are waning, and people have little to look forward to until summer. What can you do if you are finding yourself with the winter blues?

1. Resolution Make-Over:
Even if your resolution was to go to the gym EVERY day, and you've only been once in the last week, try to keep moving. Take a walk around the block, do crunches or lift weights while watching television. Instead of setting such a high expectation of going to the gym EVERY day, set a more realistic goal, like going 2 times a week. If you happen to go more, then great. Once you feel good about 2x a week, then you can up it to 3-4x a week. Often where people go wrong on resolutions is they set the bar too high and then give up quickly when they don't achieve their goals. Movement also helps relieve depression.

2. Feeling out of control on your finances?
Set a budget. Again, like with resolutions, if you blow it the first week, that's okay. It's rare people can follow a totally new financial regimen without slipping up. Look at what happened and try again, but I must warn you, it may take a few months before you are truly following the new budget you set January 1. Be patient with yourself.

3. Be part of your community:

Continue to make plans with friends. During January and February, we tend to stay inside more because of the cold weather, which leads us to socialize less and feel more lonely. Force yourself to leave your house and meet a friend for happy hour or dinner. If it's just too cold for you, call someone you haven't spoken to in a while or SKIPE with someone. SKIPE is free and allows you to use you computer as a long distance video phone.

4. The basics:

Make sure you are eating healthy, drinking enough water, and sleeping 6-8 hours. When we forget about these basics, we quickly start to slide down the depression hill.