A Time to Reflect

It's the end of January. Your bills have no doubt arrived from holiday gifts and travel. Your resolutions might have gone by the wayside at this point. The weather is dreary and there may not seem to be much on the horizon to look forward too.

But the fact is, we are still at the beginning of a new year, a new decade in fact. And not only is a new year beginning, but an old year is ending as well, this one the end of a decade that offered many changes, challenges, and triumphs. There are the changes that happened to us as a nation to consider, and then there are the personal challenges we each have faced at some point or another during the past year and/or decade. Some of us may be feeling fairly encouraged and ready to continue taking on the new year, while others of us may feel warn and weary, worried about what the rest of this year could add to the already stressful challenges. And then there are those of us who are in the middle.

No matter where you are on the spectrum, I encourage you to take some time to reflect on the past year.
Where were you a year ago?
What have you overcome?
What challenges did you face?
How have you grown?
What have you accomplished that you didn’t think possible?

Some of these questions may be easier to answer than others. I encourage you to take some time over the next few days to just pause and reflect.

Once you have reflected, take time to consider the future.
What do you hope for this year?
What do you fear?
How do you want to grow in the next 11 months?
How will you achieve those goals?

These are great items to talk about with family and friends, to journal or blog about, to express through art or poetry or music. Whichever way you express yourself, I encourage you to embrace this opportunity to reflect and give yourself credit for this past year, as well as to look to what's to come.

Vulnerability

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all were able to ask for (and receive) help when we need it, if we were able to be imperfect around the people we care about? Too often I meet with people in my practice who feel unable to express need or challenge in their lives. I have even been one of these people myself at one time. This type of person feels like they have to pretend that everything is okay in order to be accepted by others and sometimes feels a sense of judgment in friendships, especially when they are struggling.

This process of shoving down feelings and covering up authentic emotions can wreck havoc on mood, fostering depression, anxiety, and a sense of inner turmoil. It can also isolate us from our community if we always feel like we have to be perfect before letting people in.

Last week’s blog was about finding a sense of community, which inherently involves relying on others and letting them see us for who we are. Everyone goes through periods in their life when they struggle or have greater need, or has times when they just need someone to talk to or laugh with. It is vital to have relationships with people we trust, where we feel safe enough to be vulnerable asking for help, or where we feel like we can let down our walls and be ourselves.

I used to spend several hours cleaning my house before I would let anyone come over. I loved having company and relished the time with my friends and family, but it was so much work for me that I barely could make it happen. Now I have realized a.) how little time I have to clean and b.) how much I love the company of my loved ones. Those two realities have necessitated allowing my community into a somewhat dirty house. It makes it easy to be together, and I no longer worry about what they’ll think of me if there’s a little dog hair on the floor.

The bottom line is, I want to create a world where it is okay to be ourselves, and I think that begins with each of us going out on a limb to do it, to be imperfect and let others see (and still love!) us that way. It begins with us telling it like it is and giving ourselves and the ones we love the grace to get it wrong, or to ask for something, knowing that the love and care underneath is enough to see us through.

Finding Community

I got an email the other day from a member of my religious community inviting me to an “extended family” gathering. I had been hearing about these “extended families,” groups of people who have formed in the church to be together around holidays, cook meals when someone is ill or has a new baby, and just be a general source of support to members of the “family.”

These days, families of origin are more spread out than ever before. Many of us live several states away from our immediate and extended family, seeing them only periodically for short visits. Our close friends might be spread out all over the country or world as we move from place to place because of work or other life changes.

Given how spread out we become from our roots, it is vital to be mindful of finding a sense of community in the place where we live. We will always have occasions in life when we need support, caring, and someone to turn to, maybe because of a loss, an injury, a new baby, marriage or divorce. It may seem like we can always do it all on our own, but there will be times when we all need help from people we trust.

If you notice that you are lacking community in your life, or maybe you feel like you depend too much on just a few people, look a little further and see what you find. Sometimes friendships can be found in unlikely places. Take initiative to invite people you enjoy to events or cook someone a meal when they are in need. Your efforts to build connections will likely be repaid.

Most Depressing Day of the Year

Have you heard that January 21 is considered to be the most depressing day of the year?!? Experts explain that by the 21st of January, bills from the holidays are piling up, New Year's resolutions are waning, and people have little to look forward to until summer. What can you do if you are finding yourself with the winter blues?

1. Resolution Make-Over:
Even if your resolution was to go to the gym EVERY day, and you've only been once in the last week, try to keep moving. Take a walk around the block, do crunches or lift weights while watching television. Instead of setting such a high expectation of going to the gym EVERY day, set a more realistic goal, like going 2 times a week. If you happen to go more, then great. Once you feel good about 2x a week, then you can up it to 3-4x a week. Often where people go wrong on resolutions is they set the bar too high and then give up quickly when they don't achieve their goals. Movement also helps relieve depression.

2. Feeling out of control on your finances?
Set a budget. Again, like with resolutions, if you blow it the first week, that's okay. It's rare people can follow a totally new financial regimen without slipping up. Look at what happened and try again, but I must warn you, it may take a few months before you are truly following the new budget you set January 1. Be patient with yourself.

3. Be part of your community:

Continue to make plans with friends. During January and February, we tend to stay inside more because of the cold weather, which leads us to socialize less and feel more lonely. Force yourself to leave your house and meet a friend for happy hour or dinner. If it's just too cold for you, call someone you haven't spoken to in a while or SKIPE with someone. SKIPE is free and allows you to use you computer as a long distance video phone.

4. The basics:

Make sure you are eating healthy, drinking enough water, and sleeping 6-8 hours. When we forget about these basics, we quickly start to slide down the depression hill.

Holiday Preparations

The end of December can be a hectic time for people, especially for those celebrating Christmas. Even if you do not celebrate Christmas, you still have to deal with those who are stressed about travel and gifts, and you have to figure out what to do when almost everything shuts down for a day (except movie theaters and a few restaurants). No matter who you are, it can a demanding time and challenging to get through.

Over the next few weeks, try to use a few of these tips to help from feeling drained and frantic and allow yourself to enjoy the purpose of Christmas (if you are Christian) or enjoy the time off.

1. Be sure you drink enough water. Depending on where you live, this can be a dry time of year and easy to get dehydrated. On top of that, there are often holiday parties to attend and alcoholic beverages to consume. Hydration is also important for you immune system. If we don’t have enough water, we can’t stay well, and this is a fun time of year to be healthy and enjoy the festivities.

2. Sleep. Try to maintain your regular sleep pattern. This will help you feel energized and better able to enjoy the day. Again, sleep also helps your immune system.

3. Don’t overschedule. It's okay to say no to some things. Many times people feel like they have to say "Yes" to everything, especially if it comes to family events! Don’t be afraid to say, “let me check my calendar” to buy you some time to decide if you really want to attend this event.

4. Eat regularly. Have you ever skipped breakfast and lunch so you could eat more at a holiday dinner, but then found yourself eating everything in sight once you entered the party? This event usually happens because our bodies are starving. It's best if you can eat regular meals and then still be able to enjoy the delectable food at a party. It will also prevent you from over-eating and feeling guilty later.

5. Pause. Take time each day to just breathe and remind yourself of what the season is all about. Practice meditation, mindfulness, and/or prayer. This will help you feel centered during this hectic time.

If you are visiting family, be sure you check out our blog from Dec 7, 2009, "Different During the Holidays," for some tips on how to handle some of the awkward situations that happen when family gets together.

Needing some extra help getting through this stressful holiday season? Check out our website (click on the title of this blog) for a special holiday deal on counseling at Greenleaf, where we work to heal the whole.

Different During the Holidays

For many young adults, the “joy” of returning home for the holidays becomes more like apprehension and dread. As you picture yourself walking through the door of your childhood home, either solo or with your new partner or spouse, you hear the questions that will inevitably come your way. “Have you gained weight?” “Are you seeing someone?” “Have you found another job yet?” “When are you going to make me a grandmother?”

Being a 20 or 30 something, the holidays can bring both joy and stress for various reasons. The quarter-life transition has many crossroads, including career definition, new relationships, and family planning. As you enter your adult life, with all the doubts and uncertainty that come with making so many life-altering decisions, when the holidays descend, everyone in your family wants to know what you’re up to and offer their opinion on the choices you’ve made.

“You need to lose weight.” “You need to find yourself a nice girl, what about Mary Smith?” “Why can’t you find a job? Jerry got one three weeks after he was laid off.” In many of these statements, it’s easy to suspect an undertone of “something’s wrong with you.” A person’s twenties are the time for them to become independent from family, and this individuation process can be made all the more challenging by the doubts that creep in when family questions life choices.

Making different choices than other family members can add a particular measure of stress to family questioning. “Different” for a 20 or 30 something can look like being single, married without children, divorced, or making career or other life decisions that seem alternative to some family members.

It’s difficult being the single one, especially when most friends and siblings are married. Not only are people trying to set you up, but part of you starts to feel lonely as you see others live out the life you would like to have. Since over fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, many within the first seven years, being a young divorcee can carry with it painful memories that make the blind date set-ups even more or a nuisance.

Being married without children can also distract from holiday cheer for quarter-lifers. First there was the pressure to get married, and you (hopefully) feel lucky to have found someone to spend the rest of your life with. Now, you may have been married less than a year and the pressure starts again, this time about having babies.

Women tend to internalize this pressure to procreate or find a partner more than men, as it’s part of the female evolutionary biology to work on a reproductive time clock. It is particularly difficult to endure questions about pregnancy if you’re trying to get pregnant and have not had success. Yours or your spouse’s family questioning can create a constant reminder of infertility.

Often questions like “When are you going to make me a grandparent?” or “Why aren’t you dating someone?” are motivated out of love and not insensitivity, but a more healthy holiday will ensue if you can draw the line with family between acceptable and unacceptable questions. Here are some tips for a healthier holiday:

• Anticipate uncomfortable or painful family questions in advance and be prepared with responses. It’s okay to answer with statements like, “I’ll date someone when I’m ready. Please don’t ask us about it” or “Glad you’re excited to be a grandparent! That will be a neat time when/if it happens.”
• Stage a preliminary strike by bringing up the sensitive topic first and getting it out of the way.
• Make time for yourself by trying to get 30-60 minutes a day to unwind. Go for a run, read the paper at your local coffee shop, pray or meditate. As human beings, if we spend too much time with anyone, we are likely to disagree, a reality that is especially true with family.
• If you have friends you want to see, be sure you make plans to spend time with them. Your friend might even have it worse off and be able to offer a little perspective!
• Try to maintain your normal sleep and eating pattern in order to help with stress management. Holidays tend to be coupled with alcohol, and proper nourishment will help you keep your wits about you so you don’t say something you regret later.

Mindful Safety

'Tis the season of rushing about, flying from one thing to the next, trying to get one more thing done before the day is finished. When we have so much going on, we tend to be less aware of what is happening around us, including our safety. This holiday season, petty thieves are after small electronics, like iPods, iPhones, cameras, etc. Here are some reminders of how to be safe and protect your belongings this holiday season:

1. As you are racing out of your car, don’t forget to unplug your iPod and lock your car. Don’t leave anything of value in your vehicle.

2. When walking in the parking lot to your favorite store, be aware of who is around you; look under your car and in the backseat before getting in your car after shopping.

3. Do not be embarrassed to ask a security person to walk with you to your car, if anything, just to help carry the gifts you just bought.

4. As you are running out of the house to hit the sales or to pick up your children, turn on your alarm (if you have one) and lock your doors.

5. Put some lights on timers in your house, and rotate them or change the time every few days.