Parenting Class: How Every Parent Could Benefit

As a parent, it is easy to bristle at the well-meaning advice of others. One of the most rewarding and challenging life tasks, parenting can be a source of both pride and defensiveness in the face of judgment by another. This reality can be especially true when it comes to parenting a teen.

At Greenleaf, we see many teens and their families, and parents often come to us at a loss of how to handle their teen's sometimes challenging behavior. Parents struggle to understand the developmental needs and challenges of their teens and also their changing role as a parent during their child's teen years (e.g. from the authority to more of an advising, consultant role). As a parent, probably the most difficult thing in the world is to watch your child struggling and in pain, and for teens, this state is a regular occurrence as they search for identity, become increasingly peer-oriented, and make more and more decisions (and mistakes) for themselves.

Greenleaf is excited to be offering a six week class beginning September 19 for parents of teens in conjunction with the Kirk of Bonnie Brae Church (http://www.kirkofbonniebrae.org/KBBhomepage.htm). The class will offer information about teen development, specific parenting strategies for parents of teens (e.g. how to connect, keeping the peace in your home, etc.), birth order and sibling influence, temperament, and when to be concerned and what to do if you become concerned about your teen.

Even if your relationship with your teen is great (congratulations, by the way!), taking a parenting class can increase your understanding of your child and help you anticipate potential challenges down the road. Seeking the help of a parenting class doesn't mean you're a bad parent or that you've failed; instead, looking for help and guidance signifies your commitment to your child and a desire to keep your skills and knowledge sharp.

Teens are an enigma in general, and teens today face different challenges than any generation before them with technology and a changing world. How will you help equip your teen for adulthood? What are your dreams for your teen and how can you support them in achieving their own dreams? Is maintaining open communication and connection with your teen even possible?

We hope you will join us for the class to discuss these and many other topics. Please contact us about registration.

Is Fat a feeling?

Often times we hear "I feel fat today." I (Millie) tend to find this comment interesting since the word "fat" is actually an adjective, rather than a human emotion. It would be similar to saying "I feel purple today" or "I feel smooth today". So what are people trying to express when they make the statement, "I feel fat"? Often when people are feeling stressed, out of control with their lives, depressed, insecure, to name just a few feelings, some people start to focus on themselves and their appearance. So instead of saying, "I'm feeling stressed out", they focus on their phyisical beings. Why? Sometimes its easier to focus on something concrete rather than something abstract and out of your control.

Do you find that you are making similar comments?
Here are some suggestions to help you "break the habit":
1. Take out the judgment. Focus on how your body actually feels. For example, "my jeans feel a little tighter", or "I feel physically uncomfortable". This approach takes the judgment out of "feel fat" and connects you to what your body is actually experiencing.
2. Check yourself. In other words, what are emotionally feeling right now? Since "fat" isn't an emotion, maybe its insecurity, worry, stress, or sadness. Try to focus more on labeling your emotions, rather than judging your body.

How to handle Your Teens Undeveloped Brain

Did you know that although your teen looks physically older, he or she actually won’t complete brain development until their early or mid twenties? This is true. The frontal lobes are the last parts of the brain to be finalized in their development. This area is responsible for judgment, decision making and planning among other things, which explains why teens have a difficult time realizing consequences of their actions, and understanding how their decisions may impact their life in 5-10-20 years. So how do you help your teen get through these years without making a “huge” mistake?

Here are some suggestions:
1. Be open, interested and understanding in their point of view and their experience.
2. Don’t be critical or judgmental.
3. Ask questions to help them think through things.
4. Allow them to make mistakes. This is the only way they will learn. And then talk with them
about other ways they could have handled the situation.

Cell Phone Overload

Today, cell phones serve more than one purpose. They are game consoles, walkmans (aka iPods), mini-computers, internet and email servers, cameras, photo and video libraries, calendars, and the list goes on. All of these services theoretically are supposed to make life easier, however, they can result in loss of social skills, increased irritation (to you and the people you are with), increased isolation and depression. NBC reported on a study in china that found teens who spent more than 10 hours on the internet were 1.5 times more likely to be depressed. Although more needs to be studied in regards to this issue, it still raises some concern about technology.

Here are some ideas on how to become less “controlled” by technology, and more in-tuned with your life:
Cell Free Zones: create a space in your house or a time in your day (or both) that is free of cell phone calls, texts, emails, alerts. Use this time to read a book, go for a walk, enjoy a conversation with a person sitting right across from you.
Take a “mini-vacation” from your cellular device. In Colorado, the mountains help you take care of that because reception is inconsistent. Many people report that they are more rested and less stressed after a weekend or a long vacation if they did not have access to their cell phone, Blackberries, or iPhones.
No Interruptions: Have you ever been talking with a friend over coffee, when your friend suddenly picks up the phone and starts texting or starts talking on the phone, while giving you the “hold on a minute, this person is more important than you” sign? Have you been guilty of this? Unless it is an emergency, and lets be honest, it rarely is, its rude to answer calls and text other people while you are spending time with someone else, even if its family. This behavior also keeps you from being able to fully enjoy the time with the other person. So next time you are out with someone, atleast put it on silent or vibrate, so you can give your full attention, and make the other person feel like you actually want to spend time with him/her.

The Newly Engaged Couple

Valentine’s Day, Christmas and New Years are the most popular times to get engaged. If you got engaged over these holidays, you are likely embarking on the great task of wedding planning. Thus, a very one-of-a-kind challenge begins for your relationship. He wants this, and you want something different. How do you talk about it? How and when do you compromise? How do you handle your future in-laws and your parents and their opinions?

Planning a wedding can be great practice for marriage because you both are forced to communicate your thoughts and opinions, and you will also have to compromise. Even if you are the most in-love people in the world, you will not always agree.

Communication:

Suggestion #1: Use “I” statements. Your partner will feel less defensive if you are talking about your experience and thoughts and not putting things on him/her.

For example:

“I understand that you want your high school band to play at our wedding, but I would really like to have Tony DJ because he has a lot of experience and we know he plays good dance songs.”

Instead of saying “Your high school band is awful and they would ruin everything. What a stupid idea.”

Another example: “When you keep making all the decisions without talking to me first, I feel left out and not important.” Instead of “You are making all the decisions! You are so selfish. What about my opinion?”

(Notice the pattern in the first example: Validation + expression of your wishes and why. The pattern in the second example: Identify a behavior + express how you feel.)

Suggestion #2: When you first see your fiancée, ask him/her how their day was. Give them time to unwind before launching into all the planning details you did that day and questions and to-do lists you have for then. This also applies to when you are married and you have stressful things to talk about, such as finances and parenting. Wait an hour or so after you both are home for work, and then ask, “Is this a good time to talk about finances or do you want to wait until after dinner?” This gives your partner the chance to say, “You know, today was really stressful. Can we talk about it this Saturday when we both have less going on?”

Suggestion #3: No name-calling. You saw some examples of that in the first suggestion: “You’re selfish, that’s stupid, you blankety blank blank.” Just don’t do it. Even if you are kidding or apologize later, it’s a tough aspect of arguments for couples to forgive.

Problem Solving:

He wants to have the wedding outside, with BBQ and a keg, while you were picturing something more elegant with a champagne fountain and a harp player. What do you do? Once again, this is just the first of many decisions in your life together that you will be navigating.

First: Set a time to sit down and talk about what you would like; remember “I” statements. (I would like ------ because ------.) Then the other partner reflects what you said (You would like----- because -----). This does not mean that your partner agrees, it just means he/she heard and understood you. Then it’s his turn to tell you what he would like.

So you have expressed and understood what each other wants.... and you still don’t agree. Now what?

Come up with some ideas of compromise:

(Have the keg and BBQ at the rehearsal dinner; instead of a harp you have a harpest on your iPod; have an elegant ceremony with a more casual reception.... you get the idea)

Then talk about them and decide which ones are possibilities.

Ultimately, one person will likely get more of what he/she wants, so make note that the next big decision you disagree on, maybe the other person gets more what he/she wants.

Compromise: great idea in theory, but a challenge to navigate, so tread lightly and remember that you love this person and you are trying to work it out.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Please email us

Millie@greenleafcc.com or Courtney@greenleafcc.com

Also, check out our Couples Class to brush up on your skills and keep that spark going.

www.greenleafcc.com/groups

Finding “The One”

As a therapist working with adults at various stages of life, I often find myself in discussions about relationships and marriage. A topic that frequently arises in this vein is the idea of “the one” – as in, the person you are “supposed” to spend the rest of your life with. How do you find the one, how do you know it’s the one, what if you think it is but how can you be sure, I thought I had married the one but now we’re getting divorced… The discussion can take many turns. (I am also shamelessly addicted to “The Bachelor,” so in all honesty, it’s not just in a work setting that my mind drifts to this idea.)

So, the ONE… We live in a society where about half of all first marriages end in divorce, and the possibility of divorce increases with each subsequent marriage. Thus, it seems like we struggle a bit when it comes to the ‘til death do us part scenario. So, how do you know when you find the one? Is it love at first sight and fireworks and lightening and passion? Or is it a slow and steady awakening, where you get to know someone and realize they are your person? Maybe somewhere in between?

Often people find themselves months or years into a relationship that they thought was the one, only to see it sour and come to an end. They grieve not only the loss of the relationship, but also the loss of confidence in their ability to trust their intuition, the ability to recognize a good relationship when they see one. They want tangible ideas about how to know if they can consider being with someone forever.

Here are some tangibles that are central to any relationship:

Friendship: Friendship is the foundation of any marriage. You want to be able to laugh with someone and have a good time through the ups and downs.

Values: Are your values compatible? Can you find common ground and respect each other where they differ?

Attraction: Passion, building and sustaining intimacy. The spark.

Compatibility: Basically, can you live with this person forever? Do you want to?

Ultimately, though, I think finding “the ONE” comes down to the factors mentioned above, and then a decision. If all the cards fall into the right place and pretty much stay that way (every relationship has ups and downs), then you come to place in yourself where you make a commitment to be with someone. You decide, it’s worth it. I love this person so much that I want to weather the ups and downs of building a life together. Not just that you can.

Because basically, life doesn’t get easier, it gets more complicated. Having a mortgage or a kid won’t make a marriage work. The foundation has to be solid for those steps to be a good idea. The beginning of your relationship, the part where you were just getting to know each other and figuring out who you are as couple, that will be the part that you look back on with fondness during the 2AM feedings. If the beginning is already a rocky road, then it might be time to ask yourself some questions.

My husband said that his dad told him, don’t find someone you can live with, find someone you can’t live without.

Good advice.

February: Focusing on Couples Issues

Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and love it or hate it, the holiday inevitably prompts people to think about love and relationships. So, we've decided to focus our weekly (more or less) blog posts during the month of February on couples issues during different phases of a romantic relationship or marriage. Specifically, we will look at issues like how to do you make your love last over time; navigating transitions in a relationship, like marriage and kids; intimacy; and searching for "the one."

To get us thinking about love, we wanted to start out with a short exercise on how you show love and experience love in order to become more mindful of our own "love language."

Showing Love
When do you feel most cared about and loved?
1 When your partner hangs up his/her towel after a shower.
2 When your partner makes time for you.
3 When your partner surprises you with a gift.
4 When s/he gives you physical affection.
5 When s/he verbally expresses his/her feelings for you.

You may have answered yes to each one, but which one makes you feel the most cared about? Knowing how you recieve love is important for both you and your partner to know. Likewise, it's important to know how your partner recieves love as well.

There is a wonderful book called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) that explains 5 different ways people express and recieve love. There is even a little quiz on their website much like the one above to take to discover which is best for you. Finding your language of love will help intensify your relationship and help you both feel closer to each other. They also have a book about love languages for kids that is fascinating.

Be mindful of how you give and experience love. Increased awareness of this central aspect of your relationship will help you feel love on a deeper level.